DVD Commentary: Customer support

[xt1me]

In my communications class we were told we had to write a script for telephone conversation dealing with an irate customer. Basically we could write whatever we wanted as long as we showed we could be calm and collected on the phone. When I asked how long it had to be the guy across from piped up saying it had to be “500 pages long. The lord of the rings of telephone calls.” Which immediately made me think ‘Lord of the Rings? I can do that’

So in the gap we had in the class I typed this up. (I got the name from a LotR random name generator thing. I'm so glad we have library computers)

Communications – oral assignment: answering the telephone

Magical item technical support, Eärudien speaking. How may I help you? (We were told that when answering the phone we have to great the cust, let then know who they have called & give our name. I now work in a call centre so I know that the custs never pay attention to any of this.)

My name is Saruman the White and I’m calling on behalf of the dark lord Sauron. It’s about the ring.

Just one moment sir, let me get our file on rings. Here we are. Please tell what ring it is and what trouble you are having. (This is were in a real job you have to conform that you have the right acct, becuse even if the system can pull up the right files useing the phone number the cust is calling from they could be calling about a differnt acct or they might be useing a differnt phone or the sysetem could just not be working. But this is run by magic so who cares.)

What ring? The ring. The one ring to rule them all! (all customers expect us to be psychic)

Ah, here we are. Forged in Mount Doom, gold with flame-script decoration. Traditional invisibility ring with hidden power control feature over nineteen sub rings. What seems to be the problem?

Problem? It’s gone is what’s the problem.

Sir? I regret to inform you that we cannot take responsibility for any lost or misplaced items-

Then how about the fact that he exploded.

Er, exploded? (never underestimate the weird things customers can get up to)

Well more like discorporated. (Why does my spell check say this isn't a word? It's totally a word, I googled it and everything.) One minute he’s there, the next all that’s left is a big eye floating over a tower. Why do you think I’m the one making this call?

And your sure our product is at fault?

Yes, definitely.

Could you give me some more details about what happened and I’ll do my best to resolve the matter.

Well, he was walking along, minding his own business conquering middle earth, when all of a sudden and alliance of Elves and Men pop up and the next thing anyone knows some Isildur guy has cut Sauron’s hand off and everything falls apart. (No one appreciates a dark lord these days, huh.)

And your sure it was losing the ring that did it?

I’ve ruled out everything else. He was supposed to be invincible.

Invincible... hmm. And the ring is gone?

Yes!

Hmm. Can I ask whether there were any modifications done to the ring after purchase.

Modifications?

Yes. If, for example, a customer were to pour all their power in to an object to, say, insure invulnerability then the loss of said object could cause disembodiment. And, I’m afraid, doing so voids any warranties you may have.

oh... Well what am I supposed to do with a giant malevolent eyeball.

Well I do have some good news. If the ring is returned to its original owner all the problems should be resolved.

That’s great, except for the fact that the Ring. Is. Missing!

I can’t do any thing about that sir, Except... well I can activate the return feature. It should make the ring slowly try to push who ever finds it towards it’s owner but I’m afraid it will take quit awhile and the is no guaranty it will come back all the way.

That’s all you can do?

Yes sir, sorry. I’d advise you to search for it yourself as well.

Fine, do that.

So that was Saruman the White calling on behalf of the dark lord Sauron and you want the return feature actavated on the One Ring, correct? (we were told to repeat what the cust wanted us to do in the script. It's good idea to do this becuse the cust is usually not listening to what your saying and just assumes you've done what they wanted. Then they'll call back to complane that it wasn't done. It's bascily just to cover you ass, though they didn't say that in class.)

Yes.

I’ll just make a note of that. Could you give me your contact details?

Just contact the Palantír at Isengard.

The Palantír at Isengard? Very well. I’m terribly sorry for your trouble and I hope matters resolve themselves for you. (In real life we're suposed to ask if there is anything else we can do. The answer to this is never 'can I get somthing free/ get some free money/ get the winning lotto numbers'. It's amasing how many cust are under the mistaken impression that they are A: funny & B: oringanal.)

Humph. *click*